The Lived Experience of Childbearing From Survivors of Sexual Abuse: "It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times".

Introduction: In the United States, one in every 5 women will experience sexual violence. Survivors are at risk for difficult pregnancies, substance abuse, stress, fear, and preterm births. A history of sexual abuse can impact several aspects of a woman's childbirth, thereby affecting her long-term physical and emotional well-being. The adverse pregnancy outcomes, combined with the prevalence of sexual abuse, underscore the need for research to understand survivors' experiences.

Methods: This study's purpose was to understand the lived experience of pregnancy, labor, and birth from survivors. A qualitative, descriptive phenomenological research design was utilized. The purposeful sample included 8 female, self-identifying survivors of sexual abuse with at least one childbearing experience.

Results: Analysis identified 302 significant statements that formed 7 overarching themes: 1) No one asked me. Just ask me!; 2) An emotional roller coaster: From excitement to grief for what could have been a better experience; 3) All of a sudden I was that little girl again and/or I compartmentalized it: The all-or-nothing experience; 4) Am I even here?: Nothing was explained and I had no voice; 5) All too familiar: No support, nowhere to turn; 6) Holding on to the choices I can make: Who my doctor is and how I feed my baby; and 7) Overprotection: Keeping my child safe.

Discussion: The final result was the essence of childbearing for survivors in this study. They were not screened for a history of sexual abuse. Enjoyment and excitement were juxtaposed with guilt and fear. They had no voice, lacked support, and overwhelmingly desired control. They overprotected their children, from infancy into adulthood. The childbearing experience was a complex, emotional roller coaster permeated by the past. Women's health care providers can utilize the results to provide therapeutic care to survivors to prevent revictimization. The results elucidate the importance of screening for a history of sexual abuse and discussing the implications such a history can have on the childbearing experience.