Deadly paradise.

Where have all the children gone? Vietnam. If you think that sounds like a 1960s protest song, you would be wrong.

Only skin deep.

It is the moment I have been dreading. Janet stares at my face and points to my nose. 'I think you'd better get that checked out,' she says.

Shattering news.

When I fear I am becoming clumsy in old age, I take out my smartphone, cradle it in the palm of my hand and admire its pristine glass surfaces.

Fine fare.

Getting a dessert recipe from Janet's mum is like getting custard out of a stone. How does she make Eve's pudding - the baked apple and sponge treat that is the ultimate answer to all those nasty mother-in-law jokes?

Tell us a story.

Want to hear some good news? Of course not. Only bad news sells papers, attracts viewers, gets clicks. Good news is for freesheets and council newsletters.

Listen again.

At last I've caught up. Not only does my new-to-me but previously-loved motor have climate control and a heated windscreen, it lets me play music from my phone.

Round in circles.

There are more than 1,200 home exercise bikes for sale on Gumtree. That's more than 1,200 sellers whose dreams of peak fitness lie abandoned in the corner of the spare bedroom or garage. But one of them now has an extra £15 to spend on comfort food.

Alive and kicking.

With the arrival of spring, a small heap of unfamiliar junk lands on my desk. 'I have been clearing out the cupboard under the stairs,' says Janet. 'I think this is your stuff.

Aisle be there.

I like grocery shopping. Does that make me weird? Then I might as well tell the whole truth - I actually enjoy pushing a trolley round a supermarket, even on a Saturday morning. Phew.

Older but wiser.

I told him so. I tried to warn him. I said: 'Listen son, you could do yourself an injury.

Trial and error.

I have never taken part in a drug trial, but I can see the appeal. 'That new doctor said they were trialling these tablets. Of course I agreed to help out.

Blurred vision.

I have just discovered beer goggles. Not as in: 'He had drunk at least six pints so he must have been wearing beer goggles if he fancied her!' But 'visual impairment glasses', which are optically designed 'to simulate the effects of intoxication'.

Uncommon cold.

Everyone has heard of the common cold. Well, I am suffering from the uncommon cold. It is extremely tiresome - much more so than the common cold.

Don't ask me ….

I am not a stupid person. I read books and stay on top of current affairs. Having children keeps me abreast of popular culture, and I watch television and listen to Radio 4.

Elephant ahead.

I often use a stretch of motorway where vast new dot matrix signs have been installed. There is one of these monsters on each carriageway at one mile intervals, and they must have cost millions.

How should we investigate CUO (C-Reactive Protein elevation of unknown origin)? A case-based discussion of infective endocarditis in an octogenarian.

Infective endocarditis and other chronic infections may cause diagnostic difficulties, regardless of age. The likelihood of an atypical presentation of chronic infection probably increases with age. Serum CRP may be a useful guide to the presence of underlying infection and its resolution in older people.

Pick and click.

So, a transfusion of young blood can rejuvenate an old brain. If it works with mice, might it work with humans? If so, make mine a pint. I clearly need something of that nature after what happened last week.

One or the other.

Help! I need a doctor. Not as in: 'Someone fetch a doctor quickly. My leg has turned green/wife has stopped breathing/symptoms are worsening', but as in: 'I really ought to register with a GP soon because I have recently moved house.

Old age giggles.

It might come as a surprise to anyone under 50, but getting older can actually be fun. Whoever would have thought it?

Crossing the line.

The dentist is fine about it. And why not? He never does home visits - can you imagine having root canal work at the kitchen table? As long as I can still produce a credit card, why should he care where I live? At the GP surgery, however, it's a different story.

Acne carriage.

I could have been a star of stage and screen, a household name, an A-list celeb. After that school play where I kissed the leading lady, I knew the theatre was for me.

All in the curves.

The man on the food programme was talking about shapes. Tests have shown that food tastes sweeter in round bowls, he said, while angular shapes enhance sharp, sour and salty flavours.